TONE. awoke on the morning of the 30th September 2012 to find a giant cocoon swingin’ from the kitchen ceiling. He rushed upstairs to wake me, but I was nowhere to be found. He and Leroy came to the conclusion that it must be me inside of the cocoon and thanks to a diet of CSI, a half read copy of a Sherlock Holmes novel and the magnifying glass that Leroy uses on top of his three pairs of reading specs, their hunch was elementary my dear readers.
During the months of October and November the creative spark that had driven TONE.’s creativity had been distinguished like a sparkler in a bucket of water. And Leroy, well, nothing happened to Leroy.
Things became very sparse in the online ‘Major Gubbins’ world fo sho, but inside the cocoon things were just getting interesting.
On top of the daily growth spurts and multiplying cells, all of my hatred, fear and anger separated from me, manifesting itself in the form of my spiteful little sibling Minor Gubbins. Of course things like that aren't very quiet. The sound of my body discombobulating sent shivers through the estate. TONE. managed to tape the horrific sounds using a boombox with a mic that Leroy keeps on the kitchen side to listen to cricket while he’s cooking.
On Christmas Eve I finally squirmed from my cocoon, no longer a scruffy amber beard with limbs, but a fully fledged nudey humanoid. Unfortunately, my glee was short lived, as my first steps were greeted by the same slime that I’d been pickled in for the last three months. I slipped on the slippery spillage and fell head first out of the kitchen window into a skip three floors below. The fall left me concussed and temporarily cost me the memory of everything that I’ve mentioned in the last two and a bit posts.
I awoke from the fall and upon clumsily climbing from the rubble I unknowingly began my rather unorthodox Christmas. Involving, among other things, bringing Trevor the Lady Towel to life (an embroidered bath towel, not sanitary - to his dismay) and being in the middle of a bar fight during an open mic night with “Hill” St. Rodent and the ‘Tarts & Vicars’.
But of course, Christmas doesn’t just revolve around one person (unless you’re a traditionalist, I mean let us not forget that Dido was born on this day). At Leroy’s, Minor Gubbins was being mistaken for me, well, until he started running amok, being fowl mouthed, scoffing Leroy’s Christmas Jerk Turkey and replacing it with his very own “Yule Log”. It wasn’t long before Leroy and TONE. snapped, deciding to lock him up in a heavy duty Tupperware.
TONE. soon became suspicious of all the out of character behaviour. Coming to the conclusion that it couldn’t be me imprisoned in the Tupperware. He began to scour the internet, searching for any signs of odd occurrences in the Sheffield area. Then on the 30th December he found this very odd little video about bats by Barry B. Bodwinker...
...did you see me? I’m about half way in doing a dump (not that you see that, thankfully). TONE. instantly recognised me (even with that bag over my head) and for the next however many hours, he turned over every moss smothered stone and damp leaf until he finally found me up a tree interrogating a squirrel, ordering it to tells us (me and Trevor) where it had hidden it's nuts.
I instantly recognised TONE.'s voice when he spoke but the flooding memories sent my brain into overdrive causing me to pass out. Next thing I remember I was on the ground, with my memory fully restored. I dusted myself off and after a brief catch up we all headed back to the flat just in time to begin the New Year.
Well, I hope that all made sense. For a fuller, more well-rounded account of what happened to me during my first week as a humanoid, why don’tcha read this. Next week’s post will be powered by Earl Grey and gherkins, till then, stay alive.
- Major Gubbins
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